One of New Zealand’s favourite stand-up comedians, Chris Parker answers some candid everyday questions …
The state of my hair right now is …
Not great, as I tend to take a lot of stress out on my hair. My fingers are constantly running through it and if I’m really in a mood I’ll give it a little tug! But I’ve got a good head of hair. A hairdresser once told me I have three times more follicles than anyone he’d met, so I try to skewer that into every conversation I’ve had!
The state of my heart right now is …
In a place where I’d love to go to a medical professional, get a full body scan and ideally be prescribed a sweet little syrup on a spoon, Mary Poppins style, that fixes everything. A doctor once told me they thought I might have a heart murmur and then I did nothing about it!
The best accessory I ever bought was …
My Kinto drink bottle. I love it so much that I’m now on my third one. I cannot seem to hold onto it for any longer than two months.
The state of my undies draw right now is …
Something I should take more pride in, but when I see those hyper-folded undie and sock drawers in other people’s homes, I get little American Psycho vibes. It’s better to just scrunch them up and chuck them in the drawer like any sane human.
The most famous person I’ve met is …
Justin Bieber, when he came to the set of a TV show I was working on in New Zealand. He did a pull-up, unprompted, on the staircase and I’ve never not thought about it.
My best friend is …
My husband … no, kidding! I don’t think your significant other should be your best friend as well. Your best friend is someone you bitch about your significant other to! It’s basically like making your boss also the head of HR. Being a gay man, naturally, my best friend is Brynley a girl I met at fourteen at a theatre sports course. She grew a crush on me and I had to let her down as I was very much in the closet!
My best on-stage stuff up was when …
I once smashed a wine glass filled with Chardonnay in the first ten seconds of walking on stage. I had to do a full hour performing around broken glass.
Back in high school, I was …
Trying so hard to convince everyone I was straight, despite literally having the same hairstyle as Farrah Fawcett.
If I could have one superpower it would be …
The ability to do a full working day of ten hours, without needing to look at my phone!
The best thing about stand-up comedy is …
Being the centre of attention. It’s amazing to have all those people looking at me while I get to shine in the spotlight.
Chris Parker and Matt Myers Photo: Srecko Saric
The worst thing about stand-up comedy is …
That I once had to do a corporate gig for 2000 road workers and there was more light on them than on me! They were also in high-vis, so if anything, their dislike of my comedy was even more visible to me!
When alone in my car I …
Love to devour half a rotisserie chicken. I mean like a starving hawk in the desert! Don’t look at me!
People don’t know that I once …
Did a milk ad as a child where I played a school rugby ambassador. I had to act with our nation’s finest rugby players! Hmm … I guess I was a child star.
If you want to make my blood boil, start talking about …
How you don’t want to get a tattoo, but if you did, what it would be. It’s truly the most inane conversation. If you’re not stupid enough to actually get the tattoo you will eventually regret, then I don’t want to hear about it.
I’m shit scared of …
Magpies! I hate the idea of them swooping for my eyes. I will always cross the road if I see them. I’ve also heard the ones in Australia are even more bloodthirsty! So maybe you’ll just never see me in OZ during Magpie nesting time. Oh god, that’s not when the Comedy Fest is on?
My autobiography would be titled …
Here For a Good Time, which is already written and available online and in bargain bins in New Zealand. But the next book I’ll write on my deathbed will be called Not For a Long Time. It will be me taking everything back that I wrote in the first book.
My death row last meal would be …
Something without dairy. I honestly hate the idea of being put to death while bloated. Maybe just a whole iceberg lettuce, so I’m snatched when I go.
The song that makes me smile and want to dance is …
Vivaldi: The Four Seasons. The dance style is more classical ballet, rather than dropping it low, but I used to dance like that as a kid. I love to leap about like Giselle!
The song I can never get out of my head is …
Vivaldi: The Four Seasons. There’s no lyrics which is a shame, but I do a great impression of the violin.
My straight friends are …
So much fun! My gay friends just want to go to brunch and bitch about other people. Straight people are constantly pitching activities to do when they hang out with me because they don’t like to sit and talk – in case they have to be vulnerable. One of my greatest, straightest friends, Guy Montgomery, is always pitching that we climb ropes courses when we hang out. And as much as I want to complain and be like “That’s so straight of him,” it’s genuinely much more fun than eggs benedict!
Chris’s show Give Me One Good Reason Why I Shouldn’t Throw My Phone Off This Bridge, is currently touring. For more visit: livenation.com.au
