The cheeky stand-up comedian Carmelo Costa answers some candid everyday questions …
The state of my hair right now is …
Way overdue for a cut and very thankful for Finasteride and Minoxidil.
The state of my heart right now is …
The size of Phar Lap’s and stronger than ever – a rare side effect of Finasteride and Minoxidil.
The best accessory I ever bought was …
Nothing – I despise all accessories. Jewellery, scarves and hats all feel like something stuck on me. I wouldn’t enjoy my day because I’d constantly think about a ring stuck on my finger.
The state of my undies drawer right now is …
In shambles. There are too many lonely odd socks, three pairs of goggles and a leather cock-ring that isn’t mine. I don’t know how it got there. If it’s yours and you’re reading this, come and get it!
The most famous person I’ve met is …
Rowan Atkinson when I was working at a bar in London for £6/hr. But I think we hate him now?
My best on-stage stuff up was when …
I accidentally slapped a full pint of beer out from a comic’s hand as he walked on stage. He had to do his whole set in a puddle of beer.
Back in high school, I was …
Friends with all the girls and loved Destiny’s Child because they were all so hot and sexy, and I totally would kiss them if I could, ok?
The best thing about stand-up comedy is …
Making fun of things that scare me and finding out through laughter that they scare everyone, which reminds me that nothing I feel is unique and I’m just a big loser.
The worst thing about stand-up comedy is …
People telling me how they’ve always thought they should do stand-up comedy, at the weirdest moments!
When alone in my car I …
Think about how time passes us all by so quickly, life is so precious and short, and it will all be over before we even know what to do with it – and why does everyone drive so fucking slow?
People don’t know that I once …
Won the solo under 15’s international Hip Hop dancing championship. But not in a gay way. In an “I just saw the movie Honey and thought Jessica Alba was really sexy and cool way”.
If you want to make my blood boil, start talking about …
Yourself to me, for ages and ages without any questions or anything interesting.
I feel sad when …
People don’t like Sarah Silverman because that means we will not be friends.
The last time I laughed hysterically was …
When my friend’s mum discovered his underwear obsession (drawers and drawers and DRAWERS of jockstraps). And then telling everyone about it and thinking he has a mental illness (he does).
If I could have one superpower it would be …
Invisibility. But not in a pervy way or anything like that. Just so I can like steal money, avoid people I know and spy on people when they’re naked.
I’m shit scared of …
People who don’t go to therapy. What? Do you think you’re better than us? I’m yet to meet someone who wouldn’t benefit from a little look inward.
My autobiography would be titled …
Cum Again? – A tale of misunderstandings and wanting to come twice.
My secret food indulgence is …
Dinosaur chicken nuggets with mustard, alone in the dark, in complete silence, face mask on and locked eye contact with my cat
The song that makes me smile and want to dance is …
Nasty Girl by The Notorious B.I.G. – for the record also my funeral song. Uncut version only.
My favourite all-time TV character is …
Valerie Cherish (Lisa Kudrow) – “I need to know that I’m being heard”. Truly one of the greatest characters ever created that I think of at least once a week, and quote almost daily. Watch. The. Comeback.
The song I can never get out of my head is …
I’m Just a Gigolo/I Ain’t Got Nobody by Louis Prima has been in my head for about ten years now and doesn’t seem to go away. Who knew such sad lyrics could be so fun?
My straight mates are …
Doing the best they can while being sad that they don’t have an equivalent of Grindr and saunas (which IMO is a direct result of the shit behaviour of straight men).
Follow Carmelo on Instagram @carmelorcosta